The Kinsey Report
by TangerineFields
Summary: Sirius decides there's only one thing to do when the temperature is low. SiriusxRemus


Just a bit of SiriusxRemus fluff. If you want to listen, the particular Muggle song Sirius has nicked a chunk of is Cole Porter's 'Too Darn Hot'

**Disclaimer: **Sirius and Remus are the property of Ms. J. K. Rowling

**The Kinsey Report**

"Rem?"

Remus sighed, and glanced up from his book. "What is it, Sirius? I'm reading."

Sirius groaned dramatically and threw his head back over the arm of his chair. Remus upside down definitely looked decidedly pissier than Remus the right way up. "I want a shag."

Remus raised an eyebrow delicately. "And?"

"Well, you know," Sirius shrugged, which was a feat that required some physics bashing when you were looking at the room like a turtle flipped on its back. "You're in a position to provide shagging relief."

Remus put down his book with a very heavy and rather unimpressed sigh. "Sirius, for one thing, I'm rather busy, and for another I'm tired, and refuse to…" he paused and rolled his eyes, "I refuse to shag you until you learn to be a little more eloquent."

"You don't look busy."

"Not the point."

"So it's a matter of principle?"

"Yes."

Sirius chewed his lip. "But I want a shag."

"Not getting one."

Sirius growled. "But I want a shag on principle! And I bet my principle's better than yours!"

Remus shook his head. "You don't have principles, Padders."

"But I do! This one's scientifically supported as well, Moons!" Sirius sat back up, which made the blood do funny things to his head. "Ah, woozy…" Sirius grumbled, as he rubbed as his temples.

"You were saying?"

"Oh, yeah," Sirius squinted at Remus. "There's this report…" He paused for a minute as he searched his spinning brain for his trump card. "The Kinsey Report! I heard about it in one of your ancient Muggle songs! It says that I should be getting it on when it's cold outside." Sirius made a sweeping gesture toward the window, where fat snowflakes were floating lazily past. "And its bloody freezing, which means, as self respecting males, we should be shagging like rabbits."

Remus gazed at Sirius, who was looking rather pleased with himself, and had to concede to being totally astounded. "You've been listening to Cole Porter?" Was all he managed to get out.

"Knew you'd be gobsmacked. Told you it was brilliant!" If they were meant to be acting like March Hares, Sirius was certainly grinning like the Mad Hatter. He jumped to his feet and Remus found himself nose to nose with a Sirius who most definitely had_ that_ glint in his eyes.

"Sirius," Remus murmured. "I am not shagging you just because its winter."

"But Cole Porter told us to! And you love Cole Porter," Sirius sulked. "And I thought you loved me."

Remus rolled his eyes. "I don't know about the last one," he muttered. "And I think you're sitting on my book."

Sirius grinned wickedly. "Well there's definitely something hard down there."

"You sicken me, Sirius Black."

"You turn me on, Remus Lupin."

Remus cocked an eyebrow. "I noticed."

Sirius laughed. "Come on, Remy, you know you want to."

"Sirius, I told you, I'm tired." Remus tried to find something neutral to look at, but the feeling of Sirius pressed up against him was melting his resolve like ice cream in summer. He leant back in his chair and stared up into Sirius' unreasonably handsome face.

"According to the Kinsey Report," Sirius sang, deciding new tactics were needed, "Every average man you know," he stopped mid song to wink at Remus, "And we all know average is an understatement." Remus couldn't help but laugh, and Sirius continued his not too shabby rendition, "Much prefers to play his favourite sport when the temperature is low…"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Shagging is not a sport."

"His words, not mine." Sirius grinned. He slid off Remus' lap and extended a hand. "Anyone for cricket?"

"That's an awful and overused euphemism."

"You're stalling, Rem!" Sirius grabbed Remus' hand and yanked him into a kiss. "Just shag me, Moons, for Merlin's sake! We've got Cole Porter's blessing."

"We have, haven't we?" Remus laughed quietly, and murmured into Sirius' ear. "So if me undressed you'd like," he smiled. "I suppose I won't oppose."


End file.
